Conceptual Photography

Some of the photos shown here deal with sensitive topics and/or contain special effects makeup and fake blood

- viewer discretion is advised

out of touch with love

Imposter Syndrom

All my childhood long, if something was done right, no one believed that was because of me. When something had gone wrong, it was my fault, even if I had nothing to do with it.

People thought I'm dumb and that I'm good for nothing. I always knew I wasn't stupid, but I felt safe in this state of being underestimated. It's easier because no one ever expects anything of you. And at some point, people even stopped blaming me for everything that went wrong... just because they didn't even notice I was there.

This changed when I started going to University. My professors loved me and my way of thinking.

I gave photography another shot, a real shot, I actually put some effort into it. And got so much amazing feedback from so many different people.

I lost the comfort of being overlooked. And it's scary, what if I'm not actually as smart or good as they think?

Before, if I had ever failed in anything, I would only disappoint myself, because no one ever expected me to succeed in the first place.

Now if I fail, I will disappoint so many people.

fucked.

I long for eternal peace. I just want to calm the chaos around me and the chaos inside of me. I want the chaos that I am to disappear.

passive-aggressive

I'm so tired of... being me. I want to escape this earthy body that was given to me. It just doesn't fit my soul anymore. And I want to be somebody else.

I want to get rid of my mind. It's just holding me back. I feel like I'm not supposed to be this way. I need to be funnier, more open-minded, more loving; less serious, less introverted, less warily. But this life shaped me so much already and I don't know how to escape.

Oh how I wish to be somebody else.

life's good

Flagellant

despair

If you pretend to be happy, eventually you will be. At least that's what they say, right? So far I only feel... kind of numb. Or is this what 'happy' feels like? Does 'happy' just mean 'not sad'? Well, then I guess I'm happy now.

Depersonalization

I don't remember at what phase of my life this happened to me for the first time, but I guess I was still pretty young, because from memory I've always had short episodes of depersonalization. For me it somehow always starts with a sudden hyper-awareness of my existence.. like "Damn I'm actually a human being, and I just interacted with another human being, like I talk and they respond-" which then slips into questioning my existence and then I start to feel detached from myself. At this point I'm not really able to interact with others anymore.. because like I know I'm real.. it's just I don't really believe I'm real, because in a state of mind like this it's an absurd thought for me to actually exist which also makes me feel like I don't exist. I jump back to reality again quite fast though, so it doesn't truly affect me in my everyday-life.

This pain made me scream and beg for mercy. You made me cry to a God I don't even believe in. And once I finally freed myself from you, there was nothing left of me anymore.

Narcissist

I will invalidate your feelings. You're just too sensitive. Gaslighting is what I do best. Oh you want to share your opinion on this? Don't, no one cares anyway, but I will gladly take on the few sentences you got to say before I interrupted you, to make sure everyone knows your point and sees how mine is better, or worse, depending on what's dramaturgically smarter. I will not let you be in the spotlight, 'cause I belong there. And you may call me a narcissist, but be honest, secretly you want to be just like me.

whatever

These days I remembered something my psychiatrist once told me, freely quoted: "You're the result of unfortunate events you had no control over, which means none of this is your fault. And even though they tell you otherwise; you didn't form yourself, your environment did."

I lost myself on the way.

I'm sure the world is still full of colour and warmth and emotion but I can't feel any of it.

Nothing's as it seems. Life's upside down. Or maybe it's the right way around? I don't know. It just feels off to me.

Creep

I see everything... but I never talk. I won't share my feelings or opinions. I used to have dialogues with the voice inside my head but they stopped talking. I'm alone now. I see everything and I think a lot but I'd never say even one word. I feel out of place and people call me a creep.

Something isn't quite right. As always I feel there's a storm coming but it never actually rains down. It's just a constant gloom around me that seems to never end. People look at me and see a broken emptiness. My simple existence makes them emotional. Some get sad, some even angry. I wear my pain on my face and maybe some see in me what they hide themselves so well. I impersonate what they want to forget. And I'd love to just bottle my misery up so I won't bother anyone anymore... But tell me, how do you shine when all you know is obscurity?

Nutrients

You make me the saddest I've ever been. And it feels like you enjoy that. Do you like the power you have over me? Do you need my pain to live? We dwell in a codependency. I cry and you feed on it. And I stay because you also make me the happiest I've ever been. You need me, and that's what I need. This may not be love, but it's the closest I've ever been to being loved. And if you want me to suffer that's what I shall do.

Redemption

Harmony

Whenever you talk to me I feel like my younger self, scared of the world and certain I'm going to fail. I try to reach out for her, leave her in the past where she belongs; but she doesn't let go.

A silhouette of a feeling, too blurred to be identified. It barely comes past this tiring numbness. But it's there... I know it's there. Or maybe it was there... this life is so dull, I even miss being sad.